Reality of Adoption

Adoption is plan B for these kids.  I need to remind myself of that several times a day.  I haven't been sure about sharing some of my deepest feelings about our journey on social media but know that in writing it may bless someone else in the trenches or who will be someday.   More than anything I don't want to discourage people in stepping out to bring a child a family.  Also I want to state right up front that if God calls us to adopt again I will be first in line saying yes.

So you work your tail off for 12-18 months with paperwork, education, and fundraising to arrive in country exhausted where your journey is only beginning.  I knew this but was somewhat unprepared for the feeling of starting all over again.  In my mind we had been working so hard to make it in time that it felt like a completion instead of a new beginning.  Then we come home and everyone is excited for all of us.   We are excited to learn to cook some food that they may like or learn how to communicate something together.  Lots of new things and everyone is extending lots of grace to each other or as I've heard it spoken as the "honeymoon phase".  Then the honeymoon is over and it's real life.  Sometimes lately this mom doesn't want to do real life.  It's just to real like one step forward and two back.  Sometimes I open my bedroom door in the morning and there's this cute little face saying good morning mom and inside I want to close the door and hide in my bed because of the hugeness of the whole thing.  Then after answering the same questions literally 100 times in 6 hours I do hide for a few minutes in my closet or outside behind the trailer.  And then the 14 year old silent bump on the couch all day long or sleeping for hours can come close to sending me over the edge.  Or a refusal to eat a breakfast that was loved the day before (could we just skip breakfast?).   Then the control issues that make an adult want to start banging their head against the wall.  I don't think I have ever felt this fatigued in all my life.   As the months go by I've had my moments when I wonder why God called us to this or maybe He didn't and we just thought he did.  I know that He did indeed call us to this.  There's to many miracles to question that but yet me being a human I still do.  Some days I long to put all the pieces back together the way they were a few years ago just for a day of normal even through I would miss these two new kiddos so that won't work.  Another thing that is a big monster is loneliness.  If we go out or people come here I pay a price and if I stay home I can start to feel like I live on an island in the middle of no where.  Most of our friends understand this season of our lives but a few others have moved on which makes us sad.   And then there's this great longing to take a vacation but the reasons why it's not good timing to go have probably been covered above. 

So all this being said I've come to the conclusion that adoption is for me.  To surrender everything to Jesus and let Him be everything for me.  Without Him I'm a mess and I mess everything up.  I think this process has been more for me than Shane & Selah.  Continually dying to my desires and then choosing to serve these kids with JOY. 
Isa 40:31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

4 Months Home

I have sat here staring at the blank page for long enough.  Blogging isn't a love of mine but I do want to remember things and to look back and see how far they have come.  In April we was blessed by the body of Christ with an adoption shower for Shane and Selah.  I wish everyone could of saw their faces when I came home with everything and said our friends say welcome to America.  Thank you for blessing them in this way!  The last couple months has brought much settling to the family.  Everyone finding their new place and starting to act like brothers and sisters.  It has been nice to find the new normal.  I think the hardest thing is being on 24/7 for me.  It causes trauma for Selah when I leave but I need a break.  Hopefully this will improve as she learns that we are here for her and she's not going any where.

Lots has happened with Shane the last couple months.  The biggest thing being taking his oath of citizenship to become an American.  Since he turned 14 in country he was required to do that unlike Selah who became a citizen when we landed on American soil.  He and 7 others became citizens June 4th.  It was quite the ceremony which I had somewhat prepared him for as much as I knew.  He was the only one who didn't know much English.  I look back at that day and realize how brave he is all over again.  He took a pledge he didn't even understand but yet just trusted that it was going to be okay.  I bought him a t-shirt with an American flag the next day which he was so delighted about.  He was excited to become an American.   Amazing!   One of our favorite things to do is roll out a Ch*nese map and let him talk if he will.  One time I found out things that didn't line up with the information we was given in China.  No surprise there!  We did make it to Seattle to spend a weekend with Lily and Sally before Lily  began her treatment.  You can read about Lily's journey here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lilycrist/journal  Shane enjoyed seeing her, talking chinese, and seeing the city even through its nothing compared to a city of 15 million.  On Mothers Day we helped S & S plant a yellow rose in memory of both of their birth moms who chose life.  Selah had no clue what was going on but Shane knew and had some sadness that day in his eyes.  One thing we have been working on with him is emotions.  Someone told me that the Ch*nese are trained to not show emotions and I believe it to be so.  This young man has shown hardly anything since gotcha day.  I told him it's okay to be sad when I was taking away some Ch*nese books that we didn't want him to read any more to which he said no emotions.  I in turn said everyone has emotions to which he denied.  So we have aways to go on that!   Some fun things we have done with him is experience his first hair cut at a salon where we spiked his hair and showed it to him as a joke.  I think he thought we were crazy.  He picked me a flower when he was at the field with Andrew.  He brought it in and laid it on the table and didn't say anything.  I came along and thought where did this dried up thing come from and was getting ready to toss it when Brogan said that's from Shane to you.   He's so shy which brings up talking.  He rarely ever says a word.  Can you imagine not speaking much for 4 months?  I'm somewhat of an introvert but that sounds painful to me.  He has been dealing with lower back pain which he did tell us about (yay!!) and we feel like is largely due to being tense all the time from wanting to be perfect and then poor reading posture.  Another first was willingly going on a youth group outing for lunch and then on to ride go carts.  We have been making him go to youth once a week but leave the weekends for his choice.  That was exciting to see him be brave enough to say yes.  Then there was family pictures and individual pictures.  He was ready for a new picture of himself since all I had was one of him in an orphanage uniform.  He did well with the experience unlike Selah but laughs every time he sees the pictures of himself.  I just tell him mom likes your pictures which makes him smile.  At the 2 month post I mentioned that he said he knew how to swim.   Well since getting our pool opened we realized the yes was not right.  He will get in but not put his face under.  So we have private lessons planned in July for both.  Hoping that goes well since Selah asks about every day with a little concern in her voice.  Another big thing we have been working on is deciding about school next year and where to place him.  He has no desire at this point to stay home for schooling and we are okay with that as long as the family attachment isn't hindered to much.  So we did touring of the schools, testing, and talking to a Mandarin speaking teacher and have decided that he will attend Chiwana High School as a freshmen in the fall unless things go backward over the summer.  This is a whole new experience for us and some days feels overwhelming with being pulled in so many different directions with schooling all the kids.  Right now he's excited to go in the fall but was super excited to be done for the summer.  Now that he doesn't have a schedule with school it has created a different situation of nothing to do and boredom.  So I'm currently working on a detailed schedule for each day of the week for him.  These kids need to be told what to do and when since that is all they know from orphanage behavior.  I want to give him more time on his own as the summer progresses to make good decisions of things to do but right now I cant handle a young man sleeping 4-5 hours through the day or buried in Ch*nese books.  I really think he enjoys having things to do but just doesn't know what to do on his own.  As I'm typing this Andrew and the boys went on a father son camping trip.  Shane was super excited to go but often what happens with new things is he will get there and be overwhelmed with newness and shutdown even more.  It continues to be a challenge for all of us to know how much to push him out of the nest or let him stay by our side.  For the most part he has just been Andrew & I's tail everywhere we go that's new and even things we have been doing for months.  He has yet to make any friends.  Lots of boys have reached out to him but it's still to scary.  So the big things right now with him is communication, schedule, and to have a friend.

Well Selah has learned to talk and like we suspected she talks all the time.  She is understanding most of what we say and is speaking a lot too.  She isn't shy about trying words and sighs when I tell her I don't understand what she's saying.  Her favorite phrases are what's that or I don't know over and over and over and over!!!  I will be honest by 8:00pm I'm ready to lock myself in my bedroom because mentally I'm shot.  I remind myself it's a good thing.  How else will she learn?  In April we celebrated her 8th birthday with a retro Raggedy Ann cake.  She laughed every time she walked by the cake.  Her and Shane laugh at a lot of things that feel like they are making fun of it or us but who knows.  She chose pizza for her birthday meal which has been a miracle. Both of these Chinese kiddos like cheese which is something they probably didn't have in country.  We bought her a baby doll for her birthday but like everything else it lasts for an hour at best and then is forgotten.  She is learning to play better all the time.  Legos seem to entertain her for the longest time so far.  She doesn't like to miss out on anything that the boys do and so I have to keep her in my sights at all times.  She doesn't have great hand eye coordination yet so most times she cant do what they do but determination will take you a LONG way.  Another new thing is showing affection.  I have no idea if this comes from the heart or just acting out what she sees but it's a start.  She has a really sweet personality and is full of life.  Someone has spent time with her through the years that much I do know.  She has started to open up some about Ch*na and her life there the best she can with limited language.  Things have come out that I wondered about when I met the foster parents.  My heart breaks for her.  So glad she is with us and can heal with time.  We did find her best friend which had been adopted in America a few months earlier than her.  She lives in Kansas.  Selah talks of her everyday and named her baby after her.  It would be so fun to connect them again sometime.  Her favorite thing right now is having pony tails in her hair.  She runs and gets her Ch*na photo book and shows me her hair was short in country and then points to her hair now which has grown a lot.  I'm pretty sure that she has never had longer hair since they usually keep it short for simplicity.  And yes she looks in the mirror and laughs at herself when she sees the pony tails done but yet asks for them everyday.  She is a good eater most days.  One thing we deal with is food triggers that come out of no where.  One morning she will eat oatmeal just fine and then another morning not happening.  It always happens at breakfast.  Still haven't figured that one out yet.  Breakfast is hard because there hardly any choice of food she really likes besides spicy noodle cups.  So her and Carson can be the best of buds or worst enemies.   Sounds like a brother sister relationship!  He likes to pick on her because he will get a response.  Something else we did was take S & S to a trampoline park.  It was a success with both.  I love to experience new things with both of them.  We have been learning with her that we can't go out to much or have people be in our home very long.  In a VERY short amount of time with visitors I can no longer be called mom but Sherrie and she will not play on her own any more but just be on high alert about everything.  It's hard because if we go out I pay a high price later or if I stay home while everyone else goes it's very lonely and depressing.  Some behaviors that we are seeing with Selah is nervous scratching, wringing of hands, crying, and attention getting behaviors which can be a shock to some people since most of us aren't prepared for sexual suggestiveness from a 8 year old.  My advice right now for people is to say hi or shake her hand if she wants to but then ignore her for the most part.  She doesn't know what to do with attention from people yet so it ramps her up super fast.  Another trigger is music during movies.  We can go from a quiet girl playing legos to suggestive dancing in 5 seconds that will take while to calm down.  It doesn't happen with worship music thankfully.  Another thing we are trying to decide is schooling for next year for her.  My plate is very full with teaching three dyslexic boys so we are thinking about placing her in public school kindergarten.  Not sure since she has great anxiety being separated from me and then with all her attention getting behaviors if it will even work.  Time will tell on that.  Selah loves to get in our pool with a lifejacket and a float ring.  She been being braver about getting her face wet.  It will hopefully be exciting to see what she will do with swimming lessons.  One thing I have learned with these kids is to never expect it to go as expected.  I'm learning to prepare myself for the worst so it's a treat if it all goes well.  So Selah's biggest needs right now is to learn we are safe and aren't going to leave her.  I think she daily deals with the spirit of rejection.  So thankful that we can pray for her and take authority over that spirit and then watch her walk in freedom for a bit.  We believe that with time, love, and Jesus healing her heart she will walk in freedom from rejection.  We believe Isaiah 61 for these kids.  He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those  who are bound;  Isaiah 61:1b. 


It has been a busy couple months for the rest of the family too.  Farming is in full swing here which brings more new experiences such as manual labor and riding in tractors.  School is finished for everyone.  It has been a marathon year with involvement in two public school schedules and then homeschooling plus taking off a couple months for adjustment time.  Malitany quit her Applebees job and is working at house cleaning and helping in orchards.  Marissa graduated in May with her CNA license and has started the night shift at Richland Life Care with hopes to travel on the Mercy Ship next year.  Brogan did his drivers training class and now has his permit.  Branson is enjoying more responsibilities with farming jobs since Brogan has been working here and there for other farmers some.  Carson continues to be the happy kid he always has been playing whatever by himself or tormenting Selah. 

 

Watching a you tube clip

 

Enjoying the first warm day

 

 

Beautiful Seattle

 

Spending time with Lily

 

Ferry boat ride

 

 

Making graham crackers

 

Love!!

 

Memories

 

 

Adoption shower

 

Dad time

 

 

Mother's Day rose planting

 

My two newest blessings

 

Reading to his sister

 

 

Flower from Shane

 

 

Happy 8th birthday

 

These two!!

 

 

And it continues

 

First time swimming

 

 

First family photos of the 9 of us

 

7 kids I'm still in shock

 

 

 

And Selah's meltdown began

 

My favorite men

 

 

I'm blessed

 

Sweet sisters

 

Branson

 

Selah

 

Carson

 

Shane Lin

 

 

Brogan

 

 

 

And his permit

 

 

Marissa with her CNA teacher

 

 

 

And she's done!

 

Congrats Marissa!

 

Grandparents came from Ohio

 

 

Grandma time

 

 

Branson piano recital

 

 

Taking his citizenship oath

 

American citizen!

 

 

Selah with her beloved pony tails

 

 

Malitany's last week at Applebee's

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please Don't Hug Our Kids

We are dealing with attachment issues with Selah so I wanted to share this article about why not to give her hugs. 


With children, the general assumption seems to be "the more hugs and attention the better." However, there is one category of families that will often tell you, "Please Don't Hug My Child," and those are adoptive families.
Adoption is one of the many options for creating or expanding a family. A young couple might decide to adopt rather than have biological children. An empty-nest couple conclude that the best way to expand the family is by adopting a sibling group close in age to the biological children. Or, a couple struggling with infertility issues may decide that they are meant to adopt.
All children who were adopted are involved in a transition from the family or orphanage or group home where they live, to their new family. During that transition, and for months, or even years afterward, the child deals with varying levels of grief, loss, and trauma. Grief and loss at the separation from their previous family, and trauma due to the change in everything - caregivers, food, smells, clothes, or even language. Most children who were adopted also have suffered traumas during those early months or years of their life. Children may have been neglected, verbally abused, starved, physically abused, or, most sadly, sexually abused. Their trust in adults is shattered.

Parents of newborn biological children usually spend little time reading about attachment and bonding - that close connection happens easily. These children were loved and fed well in utero, and when they're born, they are held and fed, and have all of their basic needs met on a prompt and regular basis. They feel secure in their surroundings and trust that the adults in their lives will take care of them.
Many adopted children, on the other hand, were abused even in utero through drugs, alcohol, or physical abuse of their pregnant mother. This trauma is exacerbated by moves from foster family to foster family, or birth parent to orphanage, or birth parent to grandparent to aunt to foster care. They don't trust. They don't feel safe.
Some adopted children move swiftly through the transition to their forever families and are able to adjust, trust, and love. Other adopted children struggle with issues of attachment and bonding. They may be diagnosed with anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, or reactive attachment disorder. They may be unable to trust their parents enough to love them. They may be unable to believe the permanence of their adoptive family. They may cringe in anticipation of being hit, even though it will never happen again. They may have trouble identifying which of their family members is the main caregiver, since they've never lived in a family before.
It's the parents of these unattached children who will say, "Please don't hug my child." They are creating a snug environment around their child to help them identify with, trust, and eventually love their parents. The parents want to be the primary providers of everything in their child's life, to help re-create the safety and trust that was lost in the early years of their live. They are training their child to trust that these new parents will provide everything the child needs: food, warmth, medical care, and most of all - nurturing.

These unattached, distrusting children may be hard to resist. On the outside they look like any other hug-deserving child. But because of their lack of trust and love for their parents, they seek inappropriate attention - both emotional and physical - from teachers, church members, the school receptionist, the person in the seat behind them in the plane, the woman washing her hands in the public restroom, and the young man who serves up your ice cream cones. They smile, ask you to read them a book, and try to hold your hand. For the parents' sake and the child's sake, resist. Help the parents as they educate and love their adopted child into feeling safe, cared for, and trusting.
The next time a parent asks you not to hug their child, don't consider that as a mean or unusual request. Realize that this parent is doing all the right things to help their child to bond and attach.

Susan M. Ward lives in Asheville, North Carolina where she writes and educates others on family social issues: adoption, children with special emotional needs, parenting challenging children, and family grief issues. Her most recent book, Tears of Despair: The Sorrows of Parenting, was edited, designed, and many of the poems and lamentations written by Ms. Ward.

2 Months Home

As I sit down to type this I'm overwhelmed with where to even begin to describe our last month.  So many highs and some expected lows also.  I guess the best place to start is with myself.  This has been one of the harder months in my life.  I have felt like I have continual guests in my home who aren't not polite and expect me to be everything at all times.  I don't know about anyone else but after two weeks of polite, helpful guests in my home it has been time for them to go home.  This has been a challenge for me since I tend to not pace myself but give everything I have until I crash.  This has been a month of me digging deep into that abundant endless love of Jesus Christ so I can have something to give these kids.  Of myself I'm drained and have nothing left to pour out.  Adoption is exhausting for everyone involved!

I guess I should explain something about Shane.  He prefers to be called Lin since it's a comfort to have something familiar.  We call him Lin mostly but still use Shane too.  I think as he becomes more comfortable in America he will probably choose Shane because of the ease of the name with us Americans.  Shane continues to love school and is working hard at learning English.  He has had a few moments this month where he started communicating with me.  One of the first times was when I was organizing adoption paperwork.  He sat down and started reading all the Ch*nese documents which made him brave enough to ask some questions.  He found out how long the adoption process took, how much money it cost, that family and friends helped with the cost, and how close it was to him not being our son.  I told him I would share more with him when he understood English better.  His response was English now!  Communicates with the boys all the time especially at night when it's dark in their room.  The boys are safer and the darkness helps the confidence level.  Another new for him was starting piano lessons.  We are still unsure if he played before or not but he's good at it if he never did it before.  He says no but then in country he said no he hadn't gone swimming before and then yesterday in working through some conversations points with him he said he wanted to go to a swimming pool.  When I asked why he said he wanted to go swimming.  Which prompted me to ask if he had ever gone swimming before to which he said yes.  Who knows??!!   He has been out learning about building fence, sorting cattle, and branding calves.  The most hilarious thing of the month is watching him walk in a pair of work boots.  I don't think he has ever walked in anything with a heel before which makes him walk funny and then he's walking looking down at boots all the time.  Then one of the harder times was taking him shoe shopping for new tennis shoes.  I'm thinking durable shoes that he could run in that was within my budget.  He was thinking fashionable shoes that wouldn't last and for sure wouldn't work to run in or fit into my shoe budget.  He would laugh at every shoe I pulled off the shelf so finally I gave him the choice between two of them.  I have heard a lot of stories about how these kids come to America and are so grateful for whatever but it hasn't been the case with him so far or we are misunderstanding something.  Another hard moment which lasted for several days was when I told him that we would be translating his QQ conversations for his own protection.  We want him to stay in contact with his friends in Ch*na but also don't want anyone there destroying the relationship we are trying to build here.  In time I think QQ is going to be a thing of the past either by his choice or eventually our choice for him.  He has spent a lot of time sleeping this month which our social worker says is a normal form of grieving.  He has been trying some boundaries this month which is a good thing since that means his wall is starting to come down and he wants to see if our word is our word.  I think the reality that English is going to be harder than what he thought, life in America isn't all about getting to take vacations every weekend, he can't watch Ch*nese TV shows here because we don't like what he likes, and we don't play games on the ipad all day is starting to soak in.  I can't really imagine what all he is going through right now.  Overall we think he's doing good for his age.

Selah got her glasses this month.  From the moment she put them on she hasn't once taken them off unless she going to sleep.  After we picked up her glasses we went to Wal-Mart where she exclaimed about everything on the shelves.  Another thing about her is she loves to eat anything besides eggs and milk all day anytime.  I'm thankful that she is adjusting to American food.  She follows me around anytime I'm in the kitchen saying yummmmm to everything I pull out.  She isn't communicating a lot yet but follows lots of commands.  When she starts to talk English I think she's going to talk nonstop for awhile to make up for everything that she has wanted to say for months.  One thing we really worked on this month is we aren't a grunt.  So we kept enforcing our names but yet giving her the choice to call Andrew and I by our names and not dad and mom if she wanted to.  The grunting did end and now in the last week she has been calling Andrew and I dad and mom.  We also starting not allowing her to sit and pout about something.  One day Andrew came in and said something is different I can see it in her eyes.  It's almost like once she knew that we wasn't going to tolerate pouty attitude she turned it off and decided that she was going to happy.  We like the happy Selah so much better!  She still has a lot of annoying attention getting behaviors that can drive us all crazy.  If you try to tell her to stop them then she does it even more.  So we have been giving her attention for a little when she comes up and does them and then try our best to ignore it.  Good luck on the ignoring!!  Since she decided to be happy she is also playing better on her own which is a huge praise!  She is our busy don't miss a thing girl.  When we eat she cant hardly eat if anyone is up doing something because she thinks either they are getting more food or doing something she wants to do.  Because she doesn't miss a thing you never have to show her something twice.  Just make sure that what she observed is something you wanted her to do.  This month we also found out that we will be making some trips to Shiners Hospital for Children in Spokane for some needs that we have found.  When we know more maybe I will share or maybe it will be hers to share when she chooses.  We are believing for healing for her heart and body.  Another praise is what one doctor said was missing in her ears is on fact there and everything is working just fine.  The first doctor showed me what was missing with her light and I saw that it wasn't there and then today the ENT showed me it was in fact there and working properly.  We are praising the Lord for the miracle that we saw with our own eyes.  We are excited to see how far she has come in 2 months time. 

We think the other 5 kids are doing a awesome job at blending together as a family.  We are looking forward to getting out and doing some fun things together as a family soon.  One thing we really want to do is go to Seattle and show them the city plus get a visit in with Shane's friend Lily.  Shane wants to see a swimming pool and snow.  I think the snow is going to have to wait until next winter but a swimming pool we can do.  He also thinks he wants to ride a roller coaster but seemed to act scared when the opportunity presented itself.  I'm sure we will be getting out more now and experiencing the American life.

 For the protection of Shane & Selah I didn't write about many things because some things just don't need to be on social media.  If you have questions ask me in person and I'm glad to share more with you about how everything is going.  All I ask is that you don't ask me in front of Shane or Selah because I will just say it's going good.  That's all of our good crazy life for another month or so!

 

Silly sibling time

 

Good bonding time with dad

 

Enjoying being outside

 

New glasses

 

Learning piano

 

Shane's favorite thing to do read Ch*nese books

 

Mother daughter time

 

These three are often together riding the 4-wheeler

 

Matching outfits which she loved