One Year With Selah

Today marks a year that started off with a bang.  I remember meeting Selah in a tiny room in the smoggy city of Hefei.  She came roaring in full of energy and wouldn't stay put for more than five seconds.  In those moments I remember thinking what have we got ourselves into.  As the weeks and months have past her fiery personality has settled a lot and in it's place I see a scared little girl who has experienced a lot of trauma in her short life.  She has a happy personality with a winning smile that wants to please.  It has been so fun to watch her get stronger just by the determination to keep up with Carson.  Summer brought lots new experiences like swimming lessons, jumping on a trampoline, riding in the tractor with dad, and just learning to be a little girl who can play with toys since there was no toys at her orphanage.  Selah tried talking English almost immediately so naturally she spoke and understood so much faster than Shane.  By late summer she hardly even recognized mandarin when spoken.  I know several encouraged us to help her keep her language but easier said than done.  When I would take her somewhere where Chinese was being spoken she often would cry or start glaring at me like I was the bad person.  Not real good mother daughter bonding time so it was dropped.  I have heard that if she wants to learn it again someday it should come pretty easy.  One thing I often forget by her being so close to Carson in age is the fact that most days she functions more on the level of a 4-5 year old.  Fall brought the decision to keep her home for school since she couldn't handle any change and I wanted her here.  Sending her to school would of severely undermined all the ground I had worked months to gain.  Another thing we did in October is move her into the girls room.  At that time I made her a weighted blanket also.  The combination of the two things has completely removed her restless leg kicking light sleep.  Selah handled the holidays really well.  She loved receiving gifts especially her panda pillow and baby doll.  Now every time we go shopping she thinks she needs a gift.  Sounds about like a normal child!  An exciting happening has been her learning to play on her own more.  I did a lot of play acting how to care for a baby since she had never saw one before and now she has been reenacting it.  By now you are probably getting the picture that our journey with her has been a lot different than Shane's.  It's why our agency strongly discouraged adopting two at once.  My attachment to Shane was quicker than it has been with her.  It many times feels like two steps forward and one back but it's progress!  When your life has often been out of your control you grasp for every tiny bit of control you can find.  We are learning together and will all be better because of it in the end.  Selah loves food especially those spicy noodle cups that are so bad for you.  Food is a comfort for her yet many times ends up being a show down of control.  I really don't want her to eat as much food as the boys since she doesn't need it and she sees it as unfair.  So a few times I have just let her eat all she wants and later she's miserable but it would take next to dying to admit it.  We have yet to figure out how to balance four boys versus her.  Everything is taken as unfair and that we love them more than her.  If you are a praying person we desire prayers to understand how to reach her heart in a way that makes sense to her.  I know outside of a creative miracle this is going to be a long hard fought road for her and us but we are willing to pray/fight for it.  If there was a word that describes Selah it would be compassion.  She loves to see people taken care of and cares about whether you have slept well or need a blanket or a foot rub.  In wrapping up this first year with her we see many areas where God is working in her life and ours also to bring together healing for all.  In our training before adoptions we were told you can only help these kids heal as far as you have been healed yourself.  Thanks for praying and being involved in her life!

Enjoying her pigtails

Truly the daughter of a King

Enjoying her daddy with Chinese peace sign

First time off the diving board.  So brave!!

Carson and her can be best friends

Making cookies

So happy!

Our dinner date

Making cookies with grandma

Can you tell she loves to eat?

Just being beautiful

Christmas cookie fun

Rubbing dads back while he watches cookies bake

Her new baby

The gift that was the biggest hit...panda pillow

Baby eat Christmas dinner with us

Hair from Malitany

Box house fun

Crowning mom with a Lego crown

One Year With Shane

Today marks an important anniversary that I can hardly believe is here.  One year with this son that God moved mountains to place in our family in the nick of time.  I hardly know how to put into words what I feel in my heart about the last two years of our life.  In one year Shane has grown 4 inches and gained 20 lbs.  No wonder food has been disappearing down the hatch so fast and pants are forever to short.  The first months with Shane was hard for him and us to find a common ground.  It felt like this delicate dance back and forth with a translator in the back pocket.  Then came summer when he realized that freedom from school was fun and we did do a lot of fun things together as a family along with that dreaded word called farm labor.  Fall brought the choice to keep him home for school which was the absolute best decision we have made so far.  He was relieved to know he didn't have to go to a big school with limited language.  Keeping him home was a huge step of faith for me since I hardly knew where to begin piecing together a program for him that wouldn't make him feel like a little kid.  Today I can say that the Holy Spirit showed me the perfect program for him and continues to tweak it here and there week by week.  In August he didn't have enough language to do any math but by November he was flying through it.  I can tell he's going to soon be beyond my teaching abilities in many subjects.  Thank goodness for computer programs!  He played flag football in August and learned about working together and good sportsmanship.  In November he finally found his spot in this family and starting asking questions.  The quiet boy that we knew left and we started seeing a new Shane who loves to have fun and has a real sense of humor.  About that time I felt like I should ask him if he still wanted to be called Lin or would he like to be Shane since I had been noticing that he would introduce himself as Shane.  Sure enough he wants to be called Shane.  I was excited that he wanted to embrace the name that God gave him plus its way easier for us Americans to pronounce and spell.  November also brought the start of basketball season  Then started the holidays with all the newness and lots of dysregulation and excitement.  I think one of the most shocking things has been when 7-8 year behaviors come out of a young man taller than myself.  He loved Christmas and his new gifts.  His favorite was a gray tie and fedora hat.  He wants to live in New York City, drive a Lamborghini, and be a boss man who wears a suit and tie.  He assures me he will come home to visit me.  In December was when I received the first kiss on the cheek from him.  He had been hugging Andrew and I both a night before for several months and then I started by kissing his ear during the hug finally moving to the cheek.  He knows how to receive and give love which is a total God thing.  Many things about his past have came out in the last months.  Some really activate the momma bear in me and others make me glad that someone did care enough to invest in him.  Having a biological dad for 8 years for sure makes a world of difference for these kids.  He doesn't even have to be a great dad either.  Just someone to call your own.   He has had lots of questions about all the different religions of the world and understands way more about God than I thought he might just by observing and listening.  God is doing an awesome work in his heart by healing past traumas, rejections, and fears and introducing him to his real Father who loves him so much.  The last few weeks he has been following me all around the house asking questions like a 4-5 year old would.  I have to admit to feeling the same way I did with toddlers asking endless questions but then I remind myself that he's never had to opportunity to ask.   Today we plan to tell him in more detail his adoption story and how God moved so many obstacles to bring him here.  I'm excited to share it with him. After today he's excited for his 15th birthday in three days which we did find out isn't his real birthday (no shock there).  What makes me a little upset is that he doesn't know when it is.  It was the only thing that was his and that was taken away.  But if it hadn't been moved then we would of never been able to call him our son either.  Later this month we are taking our first family vacation with him to the Oregon coast with hopes to stop in Chinatown Portland and maybe catch a tubing hill on the way home so he can enjoy snow.  I like to post all the positives about him because those are the things I like to remember.  Adoption will always be plan B but it can be made into something beautiful with God's healing touch and Him blending us together through His love.  This year has been one of the hardest yet the most amazing that I have been honored to live.  Thanks for your continued prayers and investing into Shane's life.  I'm excited to see what another year will bring with Shane!

Brother bonding time

Working on his New York City puzzle

This boy escapes most pictures because his hair has to be perfect

His longed for vest and tie

What little snow we had was greatly enjoyed by this southern China boy

Starting to see some of his personality

First Christmas

So hard to capture all his excitement with his new gifts but he was delighted

December 2015

I will leave you with a funny language thing that happened Monday.  Shane has been having back problems since starting basketball.  So I decided to take him to the chiropractor.  He's sitting beside me while I call and make an appointment.  Then he wants to know all the details and what will happen etc.  I say he will pop your back into place.  I go on teaching school and totally miss his nervousness.  About one hour before we leave he has more questions or should I say the same ones all over again to which I say the doctor will crack your back and then it will hopefully feel better.  He says CRACK MY BACK!  I don't want to go!  My back is fine!  Then I realized what the poor boy had been tormented with for an hour.  Well he did go get his back "cracked" and now he understands what that means.  Language barriers sure make you think more often before you speak!

Reality of Adoption

Adoption is plan B for these kids.  I need to remind myself of that several times a day.  I haven't been sure about sharing some of my deepest feelings about our journey on social media but know that in writing it may bless someone else in the trenches or who will be someday.   More than anything I don't want to discourage people in stepping out to bring a child a family.  Also I want to state right up front that if God calls us to adopt again I will be first in line saying yes.

So you work your tail off for 12-18 months with paperwork, education, and fundraising to arrive in country exhausted where your journey is only beginning.  I knew this but was somewhat unprepared for the feeling of starting all over again.  In my mind we had been working so hard to make it in time that it felt like a completion instead of a new beginning.  Then we come home and everyone is excited for all of us.   We are excited to learn to cook some food that they may like or learn how to communicate something together.  Lots of new things and everyone is extending lots of grace to each other or as I've heard it spoken as the "honeymoon phase".  Then the honeymoon is over and it's real life.  Sometimes lately this mom doesn't want to do real life.  It's just to real like one step forward and two back.  Sometimes I open my bedroom door in the morning and there's this cute little face saying good morning mom and inside I want to close the door and hide in my bed because of the hugeness of the whole thing.  Then after answering the same questions literally 100 times in 6 hours I do hide for a few minutes in my closet or outside behind the trailer.  And then the 14 year old silent bump on the couch all day long or sleeping for hours can come close to sending me over the edge.  Or a refusal to eat a breakfast that was loved the day before (could we just skip breakfast?).   Then the control issues that make an adult want to start banging their head against the wall.  I don't think I have ever felt this fatigued in all my life.   As the months go by I've had my moments when I wonder why God called us to this or maybe He didn't and we just thought he did.  I know that He did indeed call us to this.  There's to many miracles to question that but yet me being a human I still do.  Some days I long to put all the pieces back together the way they were a few years ago just for a day of normal even through I would miss these two new kiddos so that won't work.  Another thing that is a big monster is loneliness.  If we go out or people come here I pay a price and if I stay home I can start to feel like I live on an island in the middle of no where.  Most of our friends understand this season of our lives but a few others have moved on which makes us sad.   And then there's this great longing to take a vacation but the reasons why it's not good timing to go have probably been covered above. 

So all this being said I've come to the conclusion that adoption is for me.  To surrender everything to Jesus and let Him be everything for me.  Without Him I'm a mess and I mess everything up.  I think this process has been more for me than Shane & Selah.  Continually dying to my desires and then choosing to serve these kids with JOY. 
Isa 40:31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

4 Months Home

I have sat here staring at the blank page for long enough.  Blogging isn't a love of mine but I do want to remember things and to look back and see how far they have come.  In April we was blessed by the body of Christ with an adoption shower for Shane and Selah.  I wish everyone could of saw their faces when I came home with everything and said our friends say welcome to America.  Thank you for blessing them in this way!  The last couple months has brought much settling to the family.  Everyone finding their new place and starting to act like brothers and sisters.  It has been nice to find the new normal.  I think the hardest thing is being on 24/7 for me.  It causes trauma for Selah when I leave but I need a break.  Hopefully this will improve as she learns that we are here for her and she's not going any where.

Lots has happened with Shane the last couple months.  The biggest thing being taking his oath of citizenship to become an American.  Since he turned 14 in country he was required to do that unlike Selah who became a citizen when we landed on American soil.  He and 7 others became citizens June 4th.  It was quite the ceremony which I had somewhat prepared him for as much as I knew.  He was the only one who didn't know much English.  I look back at that day and realize how brave he is all over again.  He took a pledge he didn't even understand but yet just trusted that it was going to be okay.  I bought him a t-shirt with an American flag the next day which he was so delighted about.  He was excited to become an American.   Amazing!   One of our favorite things to do is roll out a Ch*nese map and let him talk if he will.  One time I found out things that didn't line up with the information we was given in China.  No surprise there!  We did make it to Seattle to spend a weekend with Lily and Sally before Lily  began her treatment.  You can read about Lily's journey here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lilycrist/journal  Shane enjoyed seeing her, talking chinese, and seeing the city even through its nothing compared to a city of 15 million.  On Mothers Day we helped S & S plant a yellow rose in memory of both of their birth moms who chose life.  Selah had no clue what was going on but Shane knew and had some sadness that day in his eyes.  One thing we have been working on with him is emotions.  Someone told me that the Ch*nese are trained to not show emotions and I believe it to be so.  This young man has shown hardly anything since gotcha day.  I told him it's okay to be sad when I was taking away some Ch*nese books that we didn't want him to read any more to which he said no emotions.  I in turn said everyone has emotions to which he denied.  So we have aways to go on that!   Some fun things we have done with him is experience his first hair cut at a salon where we spiked his hair and showed it to him as a joke.  I think he thought we were crazy.  He picked me a flower when he was at the field with Andrew.  He brought it in and laid it on the table and didn't say anything.  I came along and thought where did this dried up thing come from and was getting ready to toss it when Brogan said that's from Shane to you.   He's so shy which brings up talking.  He rarely ever says a word.  Can you imagine not speaking much for 4 months?  I'm somewhat of an introvert but that sounds painful to me.  He has been dealing with lower back pain which he did tell us about (yay!!) and we feel like is largely due to being tense all the time from wanting to be perfect and then poor reading posture.  Another first was willingly going on a youth group outing for lunch and then on to ride go carts.  We have been making him go to youth once a week but leave the weekends for his choice.  That was exciting to see him be brave enough to say yes.  Then there was family pictures and individual pictures.  He was ready for a new picture of himself since all I had was one of him in an orphanage uniform.  He did well with the experience unlike Selah but laughs every time he sees the pictures of himself.  I just tell him mom likes your pictures which makes him smile.  At the 2 month post I mentioned that he said he knew how to swim.   Well since getting our pool opened we realized the yes was not right.  He will get in but not put his face under.  So we have private lessons planned in July for both.  Hoping that goes well since Selah asks about every day with a little concern in her voice.  Another big thing we have been working on is deciding about school next year and where to place him.  He has no desire at this point to stay home for schooling and we are okay with that as long as the family attachment isn't hindered to much.  So we did touring of the schools, testing, and talking to a Mandarin speaking teacher and have decided that he will attend Chiwana High School as a freshmen in the fall unless things go backward over the summer.  This is a whole new experience for us and some days feels overwhelming with being pulled in so many different directions with schooling all the kids.  Right now he's excited to go in the fall but was super excited to be done for the summer.  Now that he doesn't have a schedule with school it has created a different situation of nothing to do and boredom.  So I'm currently working on a detailed schedule for each day of the week for him.  These kids need to be told what to do and when since that is all they know from orphanage behavior.  I want to give him more time on his own as the summer progresses to make good decisions of things to do but right now I cant handle a young man sleeping 4-5 hours through the day or buried in Ch*nese books.  I really think he enjoys having things to do but just doesn't know what to do on his own.  As I'm typing this Andrew and the boys went on a father son camping trip.  Shane was super excited to go but often what happens with new things is he will get there and be overwhelmed with newness and shutdown even more.  It continues to be a challenge for all of us to know how much to push him out of the nest or let him stay by our side.  For the most part he has just been Andrew & I's tail everywhere we go that's new and even things we have been doing for months.  He has yet to make any friends.  Lots of boys have reached out to him but it's still to scary.  So the big things right now with him is communication, schedule, and to have a friend.

Well Selah has learned to talk and like we suspected she talks all the time.  She is understanding most of what we say and is speaking a lot too.  She isn't shy about trying words and sighs when I tell her I don't understand what she's saying.  Her favorite phrases are what's that or I don't know over and over and over and over!!!  I will be honest by 8:00pm I'm ready to lock myself in my bedroom because mentally I'm shot.  I remind myself it's a good thing.  How else will she learn?  In April we celebrated her 8th birthday with a retro Raggedy Ann cake.  She laughed every time she walked by the cake.  Her and Shane laugh at a lot of things that feel like they are making fun of it or us but who knows.  She chose pizza for her birthday meal which has been a miracle. Both of these Chinese kiddos like cheese which is something they probably didn't have in country.  We bought her a baby doll for her birthday but like everything else it lasts for an hour at best and then is forgotten.  She is learning to play better all the time.  Legos seem to entertain her for the longest time so far.  She doesn't like to miss out on anything that the boys do and so I have to keep her in my sights at all times.  She doesn't have great hand eye coordination yet so most times she cant do what they do but determination will take you a LONG way.  Another new thing is showing affection.  I have no idea if this comes from the heart or just acting out what she sees but it's a start.  She has a really sweet personality and is full of life.  Someone has spent time with her through the years that much I do know.  She has started to open up some about Ch*na and her life there the best she can with limited language.  Things have come out that I wondered about when I met the foster parents.  My heart breaks for her.  So glad she is with us and can heal with time.  We did find her best friend which had been adopted in America a few months earlier than her.  She lives in Kansas.  Selah talks of her everyday and named her baby after her.  It would be so fun to connect them again sometime.  Her favorite thing right now is having pony tails in her hair.  She runs and gets her Ch*na photo book and shows me her hair was short in country and then points to her hair now which has grown a lot.  I'm pretty sure that she has never had longer hair since they usually keep it short for simplicity.  And yes she looks in the mirror and laughs at herself when she sees the pony tails done but yet asks for them everyday.  She is a good eater most days.  One thing we deal with is food triggers that come out of no where.  One morning she will eat oatmeal just fine and then another morning not happening.  It always happens at breakfast.  Still haven't figured that one out yet.  Breakfast is hard because there hardly any choice of food she really likes besides spicy noodle cups.  So her and Carson can be the best of buds or worst enemies.   Sounds like a brother sister relationship!  He likes to pick on her because he will get a response.  Something else we did was take S & S to a trampoline park.  It was a success with both.  I love to experience new things with both of them.  We have been learning with her that we can't go out to much or have people be in our home very long.  In a VERY short amount of time with visitors I can no longer be called mom but Sherrie and she will not play on her own any more but just be on high alert about everything.  It's hard because if we go out I pay a high price later or if I stay home while everyone else goes it's very lonely and depressing.  Some behaviors that we are seeing with Selah is nervous scratching, wringing of hands, crying, and attention getting behaviors which can be a shock to some people since most of us aren't prepared for sexual suggestiveness from a 8 year old.  My advice right now for people is to say hi or shake her hand if she wants to but then ignore her for the most part.  She doesn't know what to do with attention from people yet so it ramps her up super fast.  Another trigger is music during movies.  We can go from a quiet girl playing legos to suggestive dancing in 5 seconds that will take while to calm down.  It doesn't happen with worship music thankfully.  Another thing we are trying to decide is schooling for next year for her.  My plate is very full with teaching three dyslexic boys so we are thinking about placing her in public school kindergarten.  Not sure since she has great anxiety being separated from me and then with all her attention getting behaviors if it will even work.  Time will tell on that.  Selah loves to get in our pool with a lifejacket and a float ring.  She been being braver about getting her face wet.  It will hopefully be exciting to see what she will do with swimming lessons.  One thing I have learned with these kids is to never expect it to go as expected.  I'm learning to prepare myself for the worst so it's a treat if it all goes well.  So Selah's biggest needs right now is to learn we are safe and aren't going to leave her.  I think she daily deals with the spirit of rejection.  So thankful that we can pray for her and take authority over that spirit and then watch her walk in freedom for a bit.  We believe that with time, love, and Jesus healing her heart she will walk in freedom from rejection.  We believe Isaiah 61 for these kids.  He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those  who are bound;  Isaiah 61:1b. 


It has been a busy couple months for the rest of the family too.  Farming is in full swing here which brings more new experiences such as manual labor and riding in tractors.  School is finished for everyone.  It has been a marathon year with involvement in two public school schedules and then homeschooling plus taking off a couple months for adjustment time.  Malitany quit her Applebees job and is working at house cleaning and helping in orchards.  Marissa graduated in May with her CNA license and has started the night shift at Richland Life Care with hopes to travel on the Mercy Ship next year.  Brogan did his drivers training class and now has his permit.  Branson is enjoying more responsibilities with farming jobs since Brogan has been working here and there for other farmers some.  Carson continues to be the happy kid he always has been playing whatever by himself or tormenting Selah. 

 

Watching a you tube clip

 

Enjoying the first warm day

 

 

Beautiful Seattle

 

Spending time with Lily

 

Ferry boat ride

 

 

Making graham crackers

 

Love!!

 

Memories

 

 

Adoption shower

 

Dad time

 

 

Mother's Day rose planting

 

My two newest blessings

 

Reading to his sister

 

 

Flower from Shane

 

 

Happy 8th birthday

 

These two!!

 

 

And it continues

 

First time swimming

 

 

First family photos of the 9 of us

 

7 kids I'm still in shock

 

 

 

And Selah's meltdown began

 

My favorite men

 

 

I'm blessed

 

Sweet sisters

 

Branson

 

Selah

 

Carson

 

Shane Lin

 

 

Brogan

 

 

 

And his permit

 

 

Marissa with her CNA teacher

 

 

 

And she's done!

 

Congrats Marissa!

 

Grandparents came from Ohio

 

 

Grandma time

 

 

Branson piano recital

 

 

Taking his citizenship oath

 

American citizen!

 

 

Selah with her beloved pony tails

 

 

Malitany's last week at Applebee's